When someone we love passes away, grief quickly settles in our heart and there is a void that no other person is able to fill. And sometimes, one of the most difficult things about grief is that the world doesn’t stop, although ours have, and we feel that’s unfair.
Those around us simply turn to their routines, and it seems like everything is moving with a frantic speed while we are still standing still, wondering how can we possibly move on without that one person who was the center of our world and the reason for our existence.
If you’ve ever experienced the loss of a loved one, you know how difficult it is when everyone expects from you to just move on and be okay, when you actually aren’t. Losing a loved one puts us in a difficult place, because the pressure we feel from the outside world sometimes leads to rushed decisions and choices that don’t actually help us build a more secure future for ourselves, just force us to try and avoid the grief, which is never an easy thing to do.
The thing is that not everyone experiences grief in the same way. While many say it’s a universal feeling, some of us overcome it easier than the rest. This doesn’t mean we should set timetables or deadlines on when exactly we should let go of it and become stronger, more stable emotionally, more social, or more optimistic about what the future holds. No, because someone looks like they’ve moved on quickly, it shouldn’t pressure you into doing the same, and that’s very important to remember.
There could be days when you feel like you are stronger than yesterday and almost like yourself again. And there will also be days when getting out of bed is an accomplishment by itself.
When you sidestep the pitfalls that grief so commonly offers—impulsiveness, isolation, self-destruction—you leave yourself the opportunity for healing that doesn’t compromise your independence or your peace of mind later on.
Here are five decisions to avoid making while grieving
1. Learning to sit with discomfort instead of escaping it
Most of the decisions people regret after a loss are because of one thing: the need to escape from the pain.
Grief is uncomfortable in a ways few things are. It doesn’t stay neatly contained in a specific time and place but seeps into daily life. When pain invades all aspects of life, it creates a sense of urgency. A sense that something must be done immediately, even if we have no idea what that something might be.
Selling a home, moving to a new place, passing on responsibilities, or withdrawing from others may feel like relief in the short term. Pain says, “Do something. Change something. Anything.” And in the short term, it may feel like we’re making progress.
Sadly, the thing about grief is that is won’t simply go away if we suddenly change environment, our routines, give up control, or step back from all the things that remind us of the person we lost. No, grief follows us into that new apartment, and even that new country, and into the simpler life we hoped would be less painful.
Sometimes, the discomfort we try to get away from comes back, but this time, it’s mixed with regret over the things we gave up too soon, regret over the choices we made when we couldn’t think clearly because of the pain in our hearts.
This isn’t an encouragement to continue to suffer, to continue to be uncomfortable, or to continue to be miserable, and it’s certainly not an invitation to act on our emotions, to do anything with them, or to try to change them.
This ability to do nothing, to wait out the emotions, to let them come and go without immediately reacting to them, is one of the most difficult things grief asks of us, and one of the best protections we have against it.
Grief isn’t something you solve, it’s something you learn to live with until it eventually fades away.
2. Redefining independence after loss
One thing that changes with the loss of the person we’ve shared our life with is how we see independence. In the past, independence could be related to the shared commitments, the teamwork, and knowing that someone had you back. Now, independence may feel like it requires more assistance than before, and that’s perfectly fine.
One one should have in mind that independence has nothing to do with the ability to do everything by yourself. It has to do more with staying engaged and involved in the decisions you make even when someone’s helping you with things along the way.
Whether it’s about finances, your current living situation, or certain medical decision, when someone’s assisting you with all this following a loved one’s dead, you need to make sure your opinion still counts. And it’s okay to say things like, “I appreciate your help, but I still want to choose.”
In most cases, people help you “too much” simply because they are worried about you and because they think you are overwhelmed by the loss. It’s not that their help doesn’t come from a good place, but to you, it may feel like someone else is suddenly deciding for you.
When your answer to someone’s help comes in the form of “Let me decide myself,” or “I’m not ready yet,” doesn’t make you difficult. You are just stepping for yourself.
3. Making peace with loneliness without letting it define you
Loneliness is a feeling everyone experiences at certain point in life,but the loneliness after a loss of someone we loved is unlike any other form of this feeling, because we don’t only miss a person but everything that came with their presence. We shared jokes, our days, our secrets, and all of a sudden, it’s all gone, and there is no amount of other people who can feel that kind of need.
Whats more, during grieving, it’s even hard to be around people, and even if we do surround ourselves with friends and family, we can still feel lonely. Why? Because just the thought of being around people while our loved one is not there can feel like we are doing something wrong, because to us, it may feel like we are trying to fill their presence, and that seems like a betrayal although it isn’t.
The goal shouldn’t be to erase loneliness, because honestly, that’s rarely possible, at least initially. The goal is to prevent that loneliness from turning into isolation.
You don’t need to force yourself to make social connections or interactions, but still, when you are surrounded with familiar faces can help you remember that even your loved one passed away, you are still part of the world.
Loneliness will eventually lose its edge. While it may never disappear entirely, you’ll learn how to control it instead of letting it control you.
4. Allowing joy without guilt
When joy returns into our life following a loss, we can easily feel guilty because of that. We may catch ourselves laughing, enjoying a meal or someone’s presence, and even have some fun along the way. But then guilt strikes and we ask ourselves, “How I dare I feel like this when they gone?”
Well, grief and joy aren’t really antonyms because they can co-exist, and they often do. If you feel joyous, it doesn’t mean you no longer mourn the death of the person you loved or that your love for them wasn’t strong enough.
On the contrary, these times and moments of joy can only help you cope with the loss better, and being happy, despite the circumstances, can never be a bad thing. At the end of the day, we are just human beings, and both grief and joy are simply parts of our life.
5. The power of routine
When we lose someone, the days can become indistinguishable from one another. Without the shared routine, the days lose their shape. It is no longer morning, afternoon, and night, but rather the same old thing every day.
That is the power of routine.
Routine does not have to mean “moving on.” Routine simply has to exist.
Having breakfast at roughly the same time every day. Drinking coffee in the same seat every day. Taking a walk after lunch every day. Making one proper meal in the course of the day every day. Watching the same program on television every night.
Routine is not about accomplishment or self-control. It is not about being disciplined or productive but about stability in the face of instability.
A different kind of future
The future after the loss of a partner rarely looks like we’ve envisioned it. This is the first thing many of us have a hard time adjusting to.
When we decide to let go of the grief, we don’t pretend like the past didn’t matter, we just move on because we are human beings, and that’s what human beings do.
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